


Coffee and Zombies

by AlphaFlyer



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Fluff, Gen, offscreen zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-01
Updated: 2013-11-01
Packaged: 2017-12-31 04:41:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1027337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlphaFlyer/pseuds/AlphaFlyer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maria HIll thought her Nespresso capsules were safe against predations. She thought wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coffee and Zombies

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SneakyHufflepuff](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SneakyHufflepuff/gifts).



> This story was written as a treat for **Sneakyhufflepuff** as part of an LJ Hallowe'en meme, and was posted (in a slightly different version) under the title "Fright Night" on **be_compromised**. It's the logical conclusion to a piece of headcanon of mine that started in "In the Service", in which Clint and Maria Hill's (and S.H.I.E.L.D.'s) escalating respect for one another plays out through the unlikely medium of Nespresso. I didn't really see a reason why that should stop ... ;-)

From: DDir M. Hill  
To: C. Barton  
Date: 30-10-2013  
  
Barton:  
  
I know you’ve been into my Nespresso capsules again, despite the booby trap I set. Cease and desist, or there will be consequences.

Hill  


____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

  
From: C. Barton  
To: DDir M. Hill  
Date: 30-10-2013  
  
Deputy Director:  
  
Hey, thanks for the confidence!! Seems you forgot something, though. I’m in Armenia. Just finished cleaning up the mess that Sitwell left behind. Those flesh-eating monks?

CB  
  
PS: That _whole fucking monastery_   is infested. I’m gonna need new silver arrows when I get back.  


____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

  
From: DDir M. Hill  
To: N. Romanoff  
Date: 30-10-2013

  
Natasha:  
  
I need your help. Barton claims he had nothing to do with my Nespresso disappearing, on the basis that he’s in the Caucasus. The thing is, it’s the Colombian Supreme, his favourite. He _has_ to be behind this. Can you tell me how he did it? Please? Sushi on me.  
  
Maria

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

  
From: DDir M. Hill  
To: N. Romanoff  
Date: 30-10-2013  
  
Natasha? I said sushi!!  


____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

  
From: DDir M. Hill  
To: N. Romanoff  
Date: 30-10-2013  
  
NATASHA. Answer me. This isn’t funny.  


____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

From: DDir M. Hill  
To: T. Stark, S. Rogers, B. Banner, Thor  
Date: 30-10-2013  
  
 **TEAM ALERT!!!**  
  
Team:  
  
Have reason to believe that Agent Romanoff is in trouble. Can you check up on her? Last known coordinates were 57th floor, Avengers Tower.  
  
M. Hill

Deputy Director

S.H.I.E.L.D.

 

PS: Stark – if you have any idea about how someone could make a whole box of Nespresso disappear from a locked steel container, equipped with motion detectors and exploding paint capsules, I’m open to suggestions.  
  
NB: Sitwell has disappeared too.  


____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

  
From: S. Rogers  
To: DDir M. Hill  
Date: 30-10-2013  
  
Maria:  
  
Romanoff was asleep. When I woke her up, she claimed not to have had anything to do with whatever your ‘little problem’ is (her words, not mine). I’ll make a more detailed report when the medics are done sewing up the knife wound in my left arm.

Steve

  
PS: What’s Nespresso?  


___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

  
From: T. Stark  
To: M. Hill  
Date: 30-10-2013  
  
Thought we had settled on consulting hours??? Nevermind ...

The disruptor ray we confiscated from Von Doom last week comes to mind. But I thought Banner’s mild-mannered alter ego had stepped on that?  
  
PS: Have to give Legolas credit. He’s smarter than he looks.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

From: Thor  
To: Lady Maria  
Date: 30-10-2013  
  
Wrkhga;oiertw’GABN m  
  
Sorry, Maria. Thor’s hands are a bit too big for the smart phone SHIELD gave him. He says an inter-dimensional portal might have been at work. Do you want me to get to work on that? I’ve got something in mind. In the meantime, he’ll check in with Heimdall to see whether your capsules turned up on the Bifrost.  
  
Cheers,  
  
Jane  
  
PS: You don’t think Loki ….?  


____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

  
From: B. Banner  
To: DDir M. Hill  
Date: 30-10-2013  
  
Deputy Director,  
  
Those capsules. Have you checked their former location for sigma radiation signatures? It’s a bit far-fetched, but this could have done it:  
  
∑47=√½≥⌥5.78 x π  
  
Sincerely,  
  
B. Banner, PhD  


PS: Caffeine has been known to increase anxiety levels.  It's not good for you.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

From: C. Barton  
To: Director Fury  
Date: 30-10-2013  
  
Sir:  
  
Managed to get six of those zombie monks into the QuinJet. Hope that’s enough? They’re making quite a racket, but between Springsteen and my new Bose headphones I should be okay for the flight back. Let no one ever say SHIELD doesn’t take its Halloween parties seriously!

CB  
  
PS: No, I didn't know about the paint capsules.  Make Sitwell clean up your office; he's already blue, and he still owes me.  Hope he didn’t get any on my Nespresso???  
  
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

From: N. Romanoff  
To: C. Barton  
Date: 31-10-2013  
  
Clint – You were right.  It _does_ taste better coming from Maria's stash.  You win!  Black tie tonight -- I’ll bring the cuffs.  
  
N.


End file.
